1 A Story about life and love
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I had always liked Adam. Ever since my very first day in grade 3. For 5 years we were friends, but not close friends, me always searching for any opportunity to be near him. Everyday I wanted desperately to tell him how I felt about him but at the same time I felt like him knowing would be the worse thing that could happen. Then, in grade 8, something dreadful happened, I was diagnosed with leukemia and my whole world came crashing down.
It was Thursday the 20th of September 2001. I didn’t wake up because, well I had never actually gone to sleep. My mind was a mess. Thousands of thoughts going on all at once, each fighting to solve one question – What is wrong with me? I had been feeling unwell for a while before, not being able to go to school as I was so tired that I couldn’t even pull myself out of bed. But it wasn’t until that dreadful day that I found out why. It was the 19th and I was fast asleep in bed when my mother received the phone call that she will never forget. She knew what was wrong straight away but she did not tell me, I realize now, thinking back that it probably hurt too much. She woke me up and right away I knew that something was terribly wrong. She told me that I had to go to the hospital. I’m not sure why, but I instantly thought that there was something wrong with my head, my brain. My dad tried to calm me down and told me that everything would be okay. But I was scared. The drive down to Brisbane was so fast, like a flash and we were there. I waited for hours, impatiently searching for an answer. The doctors did some tests, all of them so happy and friendly that it made me feel sick. ‘How can they smile?’ I wondered.
Morning arrived and I was petrified. I had mixed feelings, a part of me wanting to know what was wrong and another part of me dreading it. Finally, a woman came into my room. She was cold, mean looking. She asked me if I knew what was wrong and I whispered ‘no’, tears welling up in my mothers’ eyes. ‘Tegan, you have leukemia’, she said straight out, not an ounce of sympathy in her voice. I didn’t believe her. I laughed looking over at my mum saying, ‘She’s lying… It’s okay, she lying.’ But deep down I knew she wasn’t. I cried and held onto my mum so tight, never wanting to let go. I watched her and saw the fear in her eyes. I knew right there and then that I had to be strong. For her. I wiped away my tears and tried to smile. ‘I’m going to beat this mum.’ I said. ‘Everything is going to be fine.’
I went back to school in grade 10, after spending a year at home and straight away was happy to be back. Everyone was so happy to see me, the teachers were all so nice, my friends, so supportive. I saw Adam. I was sooo happy when I got my timetable and realized that I had 14 lessons a week with him My first 5 weeks were just like my previous 6 years until finally one day, I told Adam how I felt. I knew he had a girlfriend but that didn’t stop me. I had no idea how he would react. And in fact he didn’t really react at all. He said he was ‘flattered’ and that he could never really see us together because he loved Gemma so much. I don’t really know how I felt for the few weeks after that, but somehow I wasn’t ready to give up.
The 15th of March was Vikki’s 15th birthday party. There, I watched jealously, as Adam danced with Amy, and fooled around, having fun. I could tell he liked her and I was so angry I tried to put it out of my head and have fun, so I danced with my friends. Later in the night I met someone. His name was Ryan. He went to my school but I didn’t know him. I only knew of him as the guy who liked Alex. Alex added him to my MSN list and I had chatted to him a couple of times. We got on well and started talking about how we had a lot in common because we were in a similar situation. He liked Alex, and she didn’t like him; I liked Adam and he didn’t like me. I felt really comfortable with him. I didn’t start liking him straight away, but something was different, and I felt happy. The party ended and everyone said their goodbyes. Ryan gave me a hug. J
The next day, I forgot about Adam for awhile, and woke up to find myself thinking about Ryan. I sent him a message, and thought about the time we had spent together the night before. Later I talked to Adam on MSN. He asked me, ‘Is it wrong to like one person and be going out with another?’ I stupidly thought it was me he was talking about, but when I asked, come on who is it? Amy? He answered YES. I was crushed. Completely and utterly heartbroken. I was crying when my phone beeped, telling me I had gotten a message. It was from Ryan. Straight away I stopped crying and couldn’t help but grin. The next week was great. I really enjoyed talking to and hanging out with Ryan. I found myself starting to like him. HEAPS. For some reason, no-one liked Ryan. Everyone was mean to him and payed him out behind his back and I just couldn’t see why.
One day, I got up the courage and sent him a message, asking if he would ever, maybe consider going out with me. I was completely over the moon when he wrote back, YES, I will go out with you For the first time in a VERY long while I was truly happy. All of my friends disapproved of the thought of me and Ryan together. All they could do was pay him out and say how I was way too good for him. I thought that was a load of crap. To me he was wonderful, this sweet, smart, gorgeous guy who if anything was too good for ME. Alex disapproved the most. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think, maybe it was because she was jealous. Not because she wanted him, but because she didn’t have him right there anymore, loving her, wanting her. I think Adam was a bit the same way.
People continued to be mean to Ryan, and I defended him, and tried desperately to get them to see what I saw in him. But they wouldn’t open their eyes. They refused to see the amazing person inside of him. My feelings for Ryan continued to grow and the more time I spent with him, the more I liked him and the more I wanted to be with him.
I realize now, that it wasn’t long after that that I started to get clingy. Needy. All I could think about was Ryan, how wonderful he was, how much I wanted to be with him, every minute of every day I thought I was falling in love with him, but now, I’m not too sure. I mean, is 14 old enough to even know what love is?? I definitely felt more for him than I ever felt for Adam, and that’s saying something I started getting all emotional, and lovey dovey towards him, and sent him sooo many messages I told him ‘we need to talk’. So much was going on in my life and I was so confused about my feelings. My dad had just moved back home after my parents had been separated for 2 years. But was then kicked out again a week later, after once again breaking my mum’s heart. I was really angry at him and I started getting mad at everyone, even Ryan. I told him that I was falling in love with him but that I thought he didn’t feel the same way. He sent a message back telling me That I should be happy because I have found someone I love, he loves me and I am going out with him. I was so happy, but then, when I sent him messages he didn’t reply and I started thinking that he didn’t mean it. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have told him that I loved him. We’d only known each other for 5 weeks I don’t know why but maybe I thought that being ‘clingy’ would bring us closer together, but instead, I pushed him away. I really hated that I was different around him, that he wasn’t getting a chance to see the real me. Around my friends, I am happy, bubbly, funny. But around Ryan I was turning into this emotional loser
One day, I went to the movies with Alex, and she rang Ryan and started abusing him and hassling him about never replying to any of my messages, never talking to me and asking him whether he thought he was a good boyfriend. He sent a message back to me apologizing, and I felt bad. I had completely lost sight of the fact that I liked him for him. The way he was. Here I was trying to get everyone around me to see Ryan for who he was underneath, and the truth is, I wasn’t. I was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself, that I had totally forgotten about all the reasons why I liked Ryan in the first place. I spent the next few days thinking a lot about ‘us’ and finally, I broke up with him. My mum seemed to think this was the right thing to do, so I trusted her and sent Ryan a message saying what she told me to say. I was totally crushed when he wrote back saying that he thought it was a good idea, and that he hoped I could find someone who would love me. For two days I cried, but I realize now that I had no right to. I was the one who screwed things up. I totally ruined everything I am now in two of his classes at school, and it makes me realize just how unbelievably wonderful he is. He’s so smart, whenever he knows answers to anything I can’t help but grin. I made the biggest mistake letting him go. But I think I needed to make it so that I could learn from what I did wrong. Right now Ryan and I are friends. And that’s okay. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t in my life at all. I have learnt so much from being with him. About life, relationships, love and being able to appreciate what you’ve got.
Submitted by teegsie@hotmail.com 1
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