f
Rating: PG
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say "I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir" "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
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CEO
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Mr. CEO:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME
There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?? It looks like cellulite
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? Okay, if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA
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Disturbing Beer News
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100 of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.
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Logical Questions
>> Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
>> How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
>> Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
>> Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
>> If a fork were made of gold, would it still be considered silverware?
>> If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
>> Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
>> Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
>> You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?
>> Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
>> If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
>> If someone had their legs amputated, would they have to change their height and weight on their driver's license?
>> How come you pay extra money to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take anything off the price if you get something taken off?
>> If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
>> If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
>> Why is it there TWELVE days of Christmas when really there is only one day of Christmas?
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Insults
>> There was something about you what I liked, but you spent it.
>> If I were to kill everyone who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder, it would be genocide.
>> Any conversation with you is like a boat ride. It makes me sick.
>> When i first met you, I wasn't sure how I felt about you. Now I'm sure it's pure hatred.
>> He's so short, when it's rain he's the last to know.
>> He's not stupid. He's just possessed by a retarded ghost.
>> So how many years did it take you to learn hw to breathe?
>> I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
>> Here's 50p. Call all your friends and bring back the change.
>> If i gave you a penny fot your thoughts, i'd most likely get change.
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I’m bottie shakin’,
Heart breakin’
Mad hot,
Never stop
Short skirt
Love to flirt
Tight jeans
Curvy hips
Glossy lips
High class
Nice ass
Bangin’ style
Sexy smile
Luscious thighs
Candy eyes
Temptin’ lips
Killer kiss
----------------------------------------------------------
A friend can kiss a friend goodbye,
A friend can kiss a butterfly,
A friendly deer can kiss the grass,
But you my friend can kiss my ass
----------------------------------------------------------
You’re my ray of sunshine,
That gets me through the day,
You’re the one that really matters,
Don’t ever go away
----------------------------------------------------------
If you sprinkle,
When you tinkle,
Be a sweetie,
And wipe the seatie
----------------------------------------------------------
Love
Why does love hurt so bad,
Why am I always sad?
You broke my heart you know it’s true,
That is why I’m always blue,
I used to think u were the vest,
Now I know you’re like the rest,
It was said coz you made me cry,
When all you did was say goodbye,
I love you so very much,
I cannot live without your touch,
You mean the world to me,
I only wish I could make you see,
I guess I am the one to blame,
Now I am the one in shame,
I wrote this poem just for you,
To show that I love you,
Even if you don’t think it’s true.
----------------------------------------------------------
MISTY
MY NAME IS MISTY,I AM BUT THREE
MY EYES ARE SWOLLEN,I CAN NOT SEE
I MUST BE STUPID,I MUST BE BAD,
WHAT ELSE COULD,OF MADE MY DADDY SO MAD.
I WISH I WERE PRETTY,I WISH I WERNT UGLY
THEN MABYE MY MOMMY,WOULD STILL WANT TO HUG ME.
I CANT SPEAK AT ALL, I CANT DO ANY THING WRONG
OR ELSE I AM LOCKED UP, ALL NIGHT LONG.
WHEN I AWAKE I AM ALL ALONE, MY FOLKS ARNT HOME.
WHEN MY MOMMY DOES I TRY TO BE NICE
SO MABYE I'LL JUST GET ONE WHIPPING TONIGHT.
DON'T MAKE A SOUND,
I HEARD A CAR MY DADDY, IS BACK FROM CHARLIE'S BAR.
I HEAR HIM CURSE, MY NAME HE CALLS
AS I PRESS MY SELF, AGAINST THE WALL,
I TRY AND HIDE FROM HIS EVIL EYES.
I AM SO AFRAID NOW I AM STARTING TO CRY.
HE FINDS ME WEEPING HE SHOUTS UGLY WORDS,
HE SAYS IT MY FAULT, HE SUFFERS AT WORK.
HE SLAPS ME AND HITS ME,
AND YELLS AT ME MORE.
I FINALLY GET FREE AND RUN FOR THE DOOR.
HE'S ALREADY LOCKED IT, AND I START TO BAWL,
HE TAKES ME AND THROWS ME AGAINST THE HARD WALL.
I FALL TO THE FLOOR WITH MY BONES NEARLY BROKEN
AND MY DADDY CONTINUES WITH MORE BAD WORDS SPOKEN.
"I'M SORRY,” I SCREAM, BUT IT'S MUCH TO LATE,
HIS FACE HAS BEEN TWISTED INTO UNIMAGINABLE HATE.
THE HURT AND THE PAIN, AGAIN AND AGAIN,
OH PLEASE GOD HAVE MERCY, OH PLEASE LET IT END.
HE FINALLY STOPS AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
WHILE I LAY THERE MOTIONLESS,
SPRAWLED ON THE FLOOR
MY NAME IS MISTY, I WAS BUT THREE
TONIGHT MY DADDY MURDERED ME.
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Ways 2 annoy msn ppl
>> When there are 3 or more people chatting in the same MSN window, change your name and writing to one of the other people who is in that same window and the other person will get confused.
>> When alot of people are online, keep signing out and back in
>> Keep Brbing people (especially when they r telling u something)
>> If u know people have a slow computer type up alot of those emoticon things (like 50) so itll take a while for all of them to show up on their screen and slow their computer up even more
>> Type things in the wrong window in purpose (and make the stuff ur typing real juicy stuff so thye will ask bout it)
>> Act like your on speed, so when u type all the spelling is wrong and they cant understand what your saying
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Did you know…..?
Did you know?...Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
Did you know?...Coca-Cola was originally green.
Did you know?...23 of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
Did you know?...If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contactwith extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
Did you know?...More than 50 of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Did you know?... The greatest recorded number of children that have been born by one mother is 69 The poor lass gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and a measly 4 sets of quadruplets.
Did you know?...13 of Americans actually believe that some parts of the moon are made of cheese...yummy
Did you know?...The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
Did you know?...If you could count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute, divide by 2, add 9 and divide by 2 again, you would have the correct temperature in celcius degrees... How do they know that?
Did you know?...Fish that live more than 800 meters below the ocean surface don't have eyes. yuck
Did you know?...Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. Go on, try it then.
Did you know?...The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
Did you know?...If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds recieved in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Did you know?...Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Did you know?...The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
Did you know?...101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die during the movie.
Did you know?... In York, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow (except on Sundays)
Did you know?...Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Did you know?...No piece of square dry paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Did you know?...The people who make school kitchens, also make electric chairs.
Did you know?...An average human loses about 200 head hairs per day.
Did you know?...You are most likely to be murdered or raped by a family member or a close friend (98 of all murders). Whereas being murdered by a derranged lunatic down a dark alley is very rare.
Did you know?...Bill "Four eyes" Gates has enough money to buy every house in Alaska, greedy bastard
Did you know?...It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open? Next time you feel a sneeze coming try it
Did you know?...The expression "to get fired" comes from long, long ago. When clans wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down.
Did you know?...In France, a five year old child can buy an alcholic drink in a bar
-----------------------------------------------------------------
thats all for now people. if u want, u can add me to msn.
if any1 has the answers to the logical questions please email me and let me know, i'm really curious.
c yas, luv xsexy.stefx
Submitted by groovy_chick_stef@hotmail.com 33
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