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1 ! Ex Coke Addict
Rating: PG
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
My freshman year was the WORST year of my life. It's when everything bad began. To me happiness was a nonexistent word. I wasn't even able to look up in the hallways during school otherwise I'd break down crying. I met this guy who I feel SO head over heals for and I did everything with him for the first time. He meant the world to me. Then all these bad things happened and he ended up hating me. I started sleeping aroudn with guys to make me feel accepted; when really it only made me more lonely than before. I was so depressed. I had been smoking since 7th grade but freshman year I started doing it everyday. It got to the point where I couldn't even go to school without being high. The feeling of getting lost inside yourself and having no care whatsoever was what I thought was the "life". Everyday my friend and I were getting high. Smoking, doing air dusters.. andthing we could find to get us away from the real world. Well, finally I met this guy who was just a friend and we started hanging out with him he'd buy us cigarettes and he called them Snow Caps. We never knew what snow caps were..we just thought they were regular cigarettes -- so we smoked them (Not knowing they're were always laced with coke.) I had noticed they always gave me a happy high for about 10 minutes and so I started smoking more and more of them. One day, we were introduced to coke and I REALLY wanted to try it. I tried it and I liked it. I started doing it more and more and my friend finally told me that the cigarettes he always gave us were laced with coke. I had startd doing coke at the age of 14 and was addicted not even a month later. I started doing it more and more. Then I went to work with another person who I thought was a friend but really he just wanted some . He amde me do things with him that I didn't want to. I was at the pits of my life where I didn't know of anything to relieve my pain. No one understood, my best friend stopped hanging out with me because she didn't believe me when I told her what happened. She hated me. I started cutting myself then to get rid of my pain. I still have scars. I started doing things with guys to get drugs to feel better. When all along I was only tearing myself up more inside. I was literally slowly and painfully in the long run ... killing myself. It was horrible. The next day after that boy made me do things with him, we had an ABSTINENCE assembly at school and the man talking to us -- I felt as if he was talking right to me --. I cried. It was horrible. My friend finally saw how much it really tore me up inside and she started believing me. I went to her house and stayed the night for 3 nights and we were introduced to coke again. We knew a lot of people that did it so we could get a lot for a cheaper price than usual. It got to the point where I was selling my belongings to get drugs. I wasn't doing things with guys anymore because I realized that they only make things worse, but I was ALWAYS on a drug. The summer before my sophomore year my grandpa's birthday was July 2. I wanted to stay the night at my friend house that night to snort with her instead of going out to dinner with my family for my grandmas birthday. I got SO messed up that night. The next morning my mom never called me and I was worried, so I called her and she was crying.. I asked what was wrong and she said "Grandpa just died." I was SOO crushed. I felt SOO bad. I didn't know what to do. My grandpa was my best friend out of my whole family and then he was gone. Right after that.. I started doing drugs everyday. I would do cocaine, crack, KB weed (Laced with heroine or opium), and I would drink all in one night. I would get to the point where I would be so messed up I would spend my nights next to the toilet. I didn't care how much I was messed up. I could never get away from my problems. And it hurt so much. School started then and I had to make myself slow down to just the weekends. I did for a while, but I couldn't handle it. I started doing it before school and even on days when we have games. I lost 24 pounds in 4 1/2 weeks. I was 103 pounds and 5 foot 11 inches. It was horrible.. I told my friends because they had noticed and were worried. A girl who I didn't really know found out and told the counselors..
Everything changed there..
I was SO mad at her first for telling on me I wouldn't talk to her I wanted to beat her up.. I really did. I denied having a problem. Then I had to start seeing therapists and counselors and psych nurses.. I was an addict. I was so ASHAMED. THE PERSON WHO I ALWAYS SAID AND NEVER WANTED TO BE, I WAS. I CHANGED INTO THE PERSON I ALWAYS SAID I WOULD NEVER BE. The flashbacks were horrbiel, I'd sit up at night and cry myself to sleep, I have blackouts in class and not remember things. During all of this though, I managed to keep my grades up because I didn't want anyone to know. It was horrible. I was so caught up and lost I didn't know reality from fantasy anymore.
It's been so hard trying to change but in the long run..now I am so happy I don't do that anymore.. I'm writing this because today has been 84 days since I got caught. Since I've gotten caught I've only smoked weed. REGULAR.. It's so much different, and I still get caught up but I am not doing those HORRID things anymore. A few weeks ago though, I met this girl and she had only drank. She really wanted to smoke so I let her try it with me and she loved it. She has smoked a LOT since.. I mean a LOT.. but she's not as ate up as me. No one will.. literally. lol. but Today she came up to me in the hallway (my sophomore year) and told me that this weekend after my christmas dance she's getting coke. She knows I used to do it and she wants me to try it with her because it's her first time and since I tried weed with her for the first time hewr first time she wants me to do cocaine with her for her first time. I feel so bad. I feel like everything anyone does is my fault. I can't go back to doing that. I can't.. Because I know if I did .. I wouldn't be able to stop. I'd go until I was in the hospital or dead. And I can't do that.. I have to keep clean. I'm so glad I don't do that anymore because I also saw my old best friend today too and she was on it and high.. and it just made me SO depressed.. I started crying.. Because that's how I used to be and I'm SO glad I'm not like that anymore. It's so sad to see my old friends that unhappy.. knowing that used to be me too. Idk.. If any of you read all of this.. WoW I wish someone could understand how much it hurts.. No matter how happy you are.. I've lost so much and it just hurts really bad. I have foudn happiness and I guess I am happier than I was before ANY of this EVER happened, but it's only because I know so much more and I've been through so much more.. but I'll stop now.
Submitted by AllieSueVBall2@aol.com 16
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