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I was just thinking
Rating: PG-13
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
I was just thinking. Well I had just gotten into an argument with my sister about the most meaningless of meaningless things. Well she had ridiculed and destroyed every ounce of dignity I had in my body, by referring to me as, as many curse and swear words known to man. And all I could think about was beating her little termite-infested carcass of what she calls a body, with a rotten toothbrush made from the tusk of a wild Saskatchewan’ elephant with only three legs and a very bad twitch. I realized something; we hate people for stupid and insufficient things. We should hat e people for other things. We should hate people that don’t say thank you to you when you hold the door open for them. I mean you’re out there in the blistering cold, freezing your balls off. For this one eyed Ethiopian transvestite carrying a head of cabbage, thirty bottles of vodka, and a midget with toy monkey that sings we are family. And his gang of thirty-seven gypsy boyfriends that all walk like they’ve got a size eleven shoe up their ass. And not one of them says thank you or thanks you have pretty eyes. Nothing. Or you could hate people who sing in your car. I don’t hate people who sing in my car. You can sing the Billy Joel marathon for seven hours straight, but I hate it when they try and sound like the singer, “oh wow you almost kind of sort of don’t really sound like Eminem while he’s being raped by man eating caterpillars from the planet Xthrantionalsville while he’s being stuffed into a tuba and being beaten by a sack of baby kittens. While you are brushing your teeth, playing hopscotch with a howler monkey, and have been beaten with an oar from a canoe since the age of five. Or you could hate those really annoying people on the plane, oh you know the gut where he is so fat that part of his sweaty smelly cottage cheese looking blubber is hanging over your armrest and pushing you all the way up against the freezing window. And you cant get up to go to the bathroom or anything because he is so fat his butt forms a cocoon around the seat on the plane and it takes his forty five minutes to get up and when he does the flight attendant comes and asks him “chicken or turkey,” but no he has to have the special, he gets the king sized lobster baked in cheese puffs so the cheese is melting over the edge of the plate on to his elbow, so he tries to lick it of with his tongue sticking out that’s covered in food particles and looks like a miniature Vietnam replica. And when he’s done he grabs his wall-mart bag of goodies, because there’s not enough food on the plane for him. So he wraps the handles on his ears and eats like he’s a pig that will get shot if he doesn’t eat forty tree pounds of food in the next 4.9 seconds. Or you could hate that yakkity yack yack chick, that sits right behind you, and 24-7 all you hear is “I work at the travel channel, travel this, travel, travel, travel.” And all you can think is “who gives a shit” and the guy sitting next to her he’s not her boyfriend, he’s just a regular guy and he going eh eh eh, he’s freaking out. And i'm trying to go to sleep and she still talking “ travel this travel travel travel.” For like five hours and the finally she falls asleep, and i’m wide fricken awake. Or you could hate the captain. Does he have to announce everything he does “well you can unfasten your seatbelts now we are just leaving Phoenix and it should be smooth sailing all the way to Memphis” the five seconds later we are now careening at the height of 30,000 feet and if we go down there’s no chance of survival, just letting you know” five seconds later. “ Hi this is your captain again, I’m wearing a white polo t-shirt and blue jeans, I enjoy eating and watching wrestling, and my friends call me Rick. Thanks” we don’t care, all you have to say is if were going down is, “ were all going to die” bam done and were al happy campers. There is another area I would like to touch upon, yea the breasts, but i’m talking about a bowel movement or what most people like to call it, crapping. So here is my “shit list”
1. THE GHOST SHIT…. it’s the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit n the toilet.
2. THE CLEAN SHIT…it’s the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
3. THE WET SHIT… the kind where you wipe your ass 50 times but it feels unwiped so you stick a piece of toilet paper between your ass and you underwear to prevent skid marks.
4. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT… it happens when you’re done shitting, you’ve pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.
5. THE BRAIN HEMORRAGE THROUGH YOU NOSE SHIT OR POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT… the kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. (aka the Elvis shit)
6. THE ICEBURG SHIT… the kind where the shit is so long that the end of it sticks above the toilet water.
7. THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT… the kind where you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
8. THE CORN SHIT…self-explanatory.
9. THE DRINKERS SHIT… the kind of shit you have in the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tequila worm floating in the toilet.
10. THE “GEE I WISHI COULD SHIT.” SHIT…the kind where you want to shit but all you do is cramp and fart a lot.
11. THE SPINAL TAP SHIT… the kind of shit that hurts so bad you swear it’s leaving you sideways.
12. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT OR THE POWER DUMP…the kind that comes out your ass so fast and powerfully that your butt cheeks get splashed with toilet water.
13. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT… a class all its own.
14. THE ANONYMOUS SHIT… the kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the building sick or near evacuation. (Notorious in bowling alleys)
Submitted by j0nny5five@yahoo.com 34
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