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HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE THROWING A SUCCESSFUL PARTY
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Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your
parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however,
is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to
see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone,
your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to
successfully handle this situation.
Police:
"We've come in response to the complaints."
You:
"Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"
Police:
"No, sir, not drugs."
You:
"The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"
Police:
"No, sir. It's about the noise."
You:
"Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs
here, heh heh."
[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]
You:
"Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"
Police:
"No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints
have come from Kansas."
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars
out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into
the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out,
moaning.]
You:
"There, you see? It's winding down already."
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