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Hacker Barbie
Rating:
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie
products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released
next month. The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype
that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and
academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very
own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a
Nutshell" series. The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up
shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose
watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket
protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the
incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her
eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours
straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms
such as "IP address," "TCP/IP," "kernel," "NP-complete," and
"Alpha AXP's."
"We are very excited about this product," said John Olson,
Marketting Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will
offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." A year
ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard,"
with condescending companions Ken. The Hacker Barbie's Ken is
an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line
of Barbie dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, "I believe that these new
dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are
inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the
sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority
would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses."
Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they would become
technologically behind by comparison to the children when the
Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the
prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two days," says Mrs.
Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, "and as y'all know, she
now pays my credit card bill. Ain't got no idea how she duz it,
but she surely duz it. I jus don't wanna be looked upon as a
dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for
those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to
deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to
Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARB1E
R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository
writing.
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This piece is a parody. "Barbie" is a registered trademark of Mattel Inc.
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