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Real Programmers...
Rating: PG
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Applications programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming.
Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.
Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.
Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers.
Don't user Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.
Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.
Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.
Don't use Pascal, Bliss, Ada or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.
Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to "think big".
Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up truck with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Don't believe in schedues Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.
Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instrucitons to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.
Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. if the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
--
#include
In-Real-Life: John Ioannidis
E-Mail-To: (preferred), or
P-Mail-To: GIP-Altair, Dom de Voluceau BP105, Rocquencourt 78153 Le Chesnay, FR
V-Mail-To: +33 1 39635227, +33 1 39635417
... It's all greek to me
Real Computer Scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O.
Real Computer Scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
Real Computer Scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
Real Users hate Real Programmers -- and vice versa.
Real Users know your home telephone number.
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.
Real Users never use the Help key.
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