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Cash definitions
Rating: PG-13
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
ACCOUNTANT, n.
[1] a person you hire to explain why you didn't make the money you're
sure you did.
ADVERTISING, n.
[1] the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get
money from it
AMERICA, n.
[1] a country so rich we have the best politicians that money can buy
BANK, n.
[1] a place where you keep the government's money until the IRS calls
for it;
[2] an institution where you put your money so that it will be
available when other people want it;
[3] a place where they will lend you an umbrella in fair weather --
but want it back when it rains {Robert Frost}
BANK, DRIVE-IN, n.
[1] an institution invented by the financial community to allow the
real owner of your car to get to see it once in a while
BANKER, n.
[1] a person who is a success up until he loses interest
BARGAIN HUNTER, n.
[1] a wife who is always saving more money than her husband can
afford
BAROQUE, n.
[1] a French term for "I have no money"
BOAT, n.
[1] a wood-lined hole in the water into which you pour your money
BUDGET, n.
[1] a home accounting system which allows a family to pay as you go
-- as long as you don't go anywhere;
[2] the mathematical confirmation of our darkest suspicions;
[3] a precise method for going broke by the numbers;
[4] what you can stay within by doing without;
[5] fiscal self-flagellation;
[6] a mathematical system devised to remind yourself that you can't
afford the kind of living you've grown accustomed to;
[7] for the average family, it is made up of a little money and a lot
of estimates;
[8] a financial program dedicated to preventing part of the month
being left at the end of your money;
[9] a detailed record of how you managed to spend more than you
earned -- each month
COLLATERAL, n.
[1] something never required when you borrow trouble;
[2] verifiable proof that you already have in hand all the money you
need to borrow
COUNTERFEITER, n.
[1] the only person who doesn't lose money on bad bills;
[2] a man who is always forging ahead in life;
[3] a rare individual who has no problem making money -- only how to
spend it
CREDIT, n.
[1] the stock and trade of people who are too timid to steal and too
proud to beg;
[2] when hard to get, is because either the man is not known -- or
because he is;
[3] a modern financial process which allows us to spend money we
haven't earned on things we don't need to impress people we don't like
CREDIT CARDS, n.
[1] have divided America into two classes: those who have the latest
household gadgets, and those who pay cash;
[2] the modern version of fools gold;
[3] are a convenience which allow us to accumulate more debts from
more places, more easily
CREDITOR, n.
[1] the one person who, in adversity, sticks by you closer than a
friend
ECONOMICS, n.
[1] a so-called science which deals with life's two greatest
problems:
(1) how to make money, and
(2) how to get along without it;
[2] the only academic field where two people can get the Nobel prize
for proposing opposite theories;
[3] a discipline which is governed by some laws that do not apply to
the feminine gender -- a woman without principle *always* draws interest
ECONOMISTS, n.
[1] a group of people who, if laid end to end, couldn't reach a
conclusion;
[2] a band of educated men and women who define and codify the laws
of greed;
[3] ambidextrous individuals who are always saying "...on the other
hand;"
[4] people who firmly believe that they are needed by the poor to
tell them that they are;
[5] practical scientists who have developed a complex system which
allows them to see tomorrow why the things that they predicted yesterday
didn't happen today;
[6] people who work with numbers but lack the personality to be
accountants
ECONOMY, n.
[1] a fool's goal -- and he will pay any price to get it
EXPENSE ACCOUNT, n.
[1] a system which allows you to squander money before the government
gets a chance to do it for you
EXPENSES, n.
[1] are really not hard to meet -- they're everywhere
FINANCE, n.
[1] modern civilisation's art of passing currency from hand to hand
until it multiplies at the top, slips through countless middle hands,
and disappears from the bottom
FINANCE COMPANIES, n.
[1] loan wolves
FINANCIER, n.
[1] a pawnbroker with imagination;
[2] a successful person who can earn money faster than his family can
spend it
GENTILITY, n.
[1] that which is left over from rich forbears -- after the money is
gone
INFLATION, n.
[1] when "dollars to donuts" changes from a phrase to an even bet;
[2] is that time when a dollar saved is a quarter earned;
[3] a situation where no one has enough money because we all have too
much;
[4] that financial situation which causes you to live in the lapse of
luxury;
[5] when the item you bought for five dollars costs ten dollars to be
repaired;
[6] the unique process of shrinking the dollar bill without changing
its size;
[7] the scourge of mankind -- how can civilisation continue to exist
when the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?;
[8] that period of history when its easier to earn money than a
living;
[9] the financial power that turns a nest egg into chicken feed;
[10] that which makes balloons bigger and candy bars smaller;
[11] a time when it is even a struggle to make only *one* end meet;
[12] instead of not having the money you haven't, you have twice as
much, but it's worth only one-half of what you haven't got now;
[13] the only logical reason why you can't take it with you -- it all
goes before you do
MONEY, n.
[1] the sixth sense, without which you cannot make complete use of
the other five;
[2] something which never made a fool out of anyone -- it just
spotlights them;
[3] is a great deal like sex -- when you haven't got any, that's all
you think about, when you have plenty, you can think of other things;
[4] does not talk -- it just goes without saying;
[5] the most efficient labour-saving device ever invented;
[6] the most egalitarian force in society. It confers power on
whoever holds it;
[7] that which you swap for what you think will make you happy;
[8] a commodity which doesn't grow on trees - you have to beat the
bushes for it;
[9] the element in life which makes stupidity shine;
[10] the poor man's credit card;
[11] something that briefly brushes by you in its mad dash to
Washington;
[12] isn't everything -- it doesn't even cover expenses;
[13] a strange commodity which,
(1) if a man runs after it he is money-mad;
(2) if he keeps it, he's a capitalist;
(3) if he spends it, he's a playboy;
(4) if he doesn't get it, he's a ne'er-do-well;
(5) if he doesn't try to get it, he lacks ambition;
(6) If he gets it without working for it, he's a parasite;
(7) if he accumulates it after a lifetime of hard work, people call
him a fool that never got anything out of real life. The only time he is
appreciated is by his heirs;
[14] something which doesn't always bring happiness. People with $10
million are generally no happier than another with $9 million;
[15] specie which won't buy happiness, but will pay the salaries of a
large research staff to study the problem;
[16] is simply a goal -- for the politician, it is power, for the
liberal it is freedom, for the middle class it is stature, but for the
poor -- it is everything;
[17] a terrible master but makes an excellent servant {P.T. Barnum}
RICH, n.
[1] a condition you must be in if you want to enjoy the simple things
in life;
[2] a state of immorality attacked by the scriptures -- but it took
the income tax to drive it home;
[3] a condition, understood also by the poor, when you believe that
God is on their side -- however, the rich *know it*
RICH MAN, n.
[1] a nice chap that employs a secretary, butler, valet, cook,
laundress, and housekeeper -- while his poor cousin just has to do with
a wife;
[2] the one with the finest foods -- but the poor man always has the
better appetite;
[3] someone who may build a fine home -- but it's the wise man who
marries his widow
RICH PEOPLE, n.
[1] in the observances of the church, are those who keep the feasts
-- the poor, keep the fasts;
[2] individuals who are not afraid to tell the sales clerk to show
them something cheaper
RICHES, n.
[1] consist not in the extent of one's possessions, but in the
smallness of one's wants
SALARY, n.
[1] a sum of money usually equal to one half of what you feel you're
worth.
SAVINGS, n.
[1] are acquired quite easily -- all you have to do is keep too busy
to spend your money;
[2] resources which are like toothpaste in a tube -- easy to take
out, but almost impossible to put back in.
SPENDTHRIFT, n.
[1] a person who considers it a sin to die rich;
[2] one who considers living within your income a fate worse than
debt;
[3] is the "one" that two can live as cheaply as;
[4] an unusual word: a one-word oxymoron;
[5] a person who spends money like a lottery winner with a week to
live
SUBSIDY, n.
[1] a formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your
own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it's a gift
TAKE HOME PAY, n.
[1] an amount of money which is called that because it is never big
enough to go anywhere else with it
TAX INCREASE, n.
[1] an amount of money which is called "slight," when it costs you
two hundred dollars a year -- while a "substantial tax *cut*" could save
you up to 30 cents
TAX RETURN, n.
[1] an annual work of fiction whose authorship is not confined to
writers
TAXATION, n.
[1] an art which consists of plucking the goose to obtain the largest
amount of feathers with the least amount of hiss;
[2] a duty which, without representation, may have bothered the
colonials but, looking back, it was a lot cheaper;
[3] the government's form of spring cleaning;
[4] a levy which, *without representation,* got Patrick Henry's
dander up -- he should see how bad it is *with* representation
TAXES, n.
[1] a duty which applies to people who are not smart enough to start
their own country;
[2] a funding method which allows people to test their powers of
deduction
Submitted by 18
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