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Inevitable Pain
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How can a person that has a good home,loving friends and family,hurt so deeply that they feel like life isn't worth living anymore? I'm almost 15 and for the past year I have been clinically depressed. When you ask a person who can cope with pain and suffering normally, whats upsetting them, they'll tell you..they'll even pour their heart out to you. When you ask someone who has pain that goes beyond the heart and deeper,that question, they wont tell you.. they'll say everything is fine and nothing is bothering them. Few can see past this face, this mask, this lie. It seems so funny to me when people say,"People that think about suicide are so stupid, it can be helped!" I've heard this many times before, when no one thought anything was wrong.. that makes cries muffled, not want to be shared, because they think they're a horrible person for feeling this way. I know that when someone is depressed that it's like you can barely breathe and everything seems so bad, bad enough that you no longer have the will to live. I know that when someone is depressed that they will stop at nothing to cut one more time,use drugs to suppress their feelings just one more time, or snap at loved ones when they are only trying to help just one more time. Some dont know what they are doing is wrong, some are ashamed and feel like they cant tell anyone,some are testing limits and boundaries.. looking for help, and some are actually trying to end their life. Tragically, I was trying to end my life...I cried so much that I couldn't cry anymore and I cut myself so much that my hands would shake and I couldn't hide my scars anymore because they were all over my stomach, legs and arms. This isn't a way to live, it's a way to die.. or so I told myself so many lonely nights. One day, I couldn't take the insults, the jokes that I used to once take so lightly. That day is etched in my memory and will live vividly forever. I popped open a bottle of ibuprofen and swallowed 50 or so pills... I started to gag, the taste was so awful. I went to sleep and the next morning, I couldn't breathe or cry, I was in so much pain. It was like someone had cut me open and poured salt in all my wounds. My stomach ached for hours and my parents finally noticed something wrong... They rushed me into the hospital..I was feeling so totally numb.. to everything around me. I wasn't scared, I was just mad at myself, for failing, for not taking my life. I had to have my stomach pumped, I will never forget the feeling afterwards.. it was like nothing before.. my throat was burning and my stomach felt empty. I looked at myself in a mirror and cried because I was still here. My parents told me that they were disgusted and sick to their stomachs... I couldn't look at them. Not because I was ashamed, but because I didn't know how they couldn't understand the pain that I was going through. I honestly hated them for 2 or 3 months after my suicide attempt. They made me go to counseling and visit all these fake people who pretended to care about how I was feeling and what was going on in my life. I even visited one who convinced me that I was a gross,horrible person because suicide effected everyone around me and everyone in my life. I do believe that it affects everyone involved in a person's life now.. but then my attitude was if anyone knew how much it hurt to live, they wouldn't deprive me of death. Trust me, I do know how much it hurts, and how alone you feel when no one can truly understand. I can't honestly say that I havent thought about suicide in my re-birth to a better life. Those feelings last for a split-second before I realize that I would much rather be happier than be in my self-emprisonment. It's so hard to overcome a life obstacle like suicide, for a parent who's child commited suicide, for a friend of a suicide victim, and most of all the life that decided to take the breath away from their body.
Please e-mail me anytime. I am always here to listen
Submitted by shopgoddess16@aol.com 57
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