Barbie's Letter to Santa

Rating: PG-13
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)

Dear Santa: Listen, you fat troll, I've been saving your butt every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to you, Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999: 1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite. 3. A REAL man. I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? 4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said. 6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctors and schoolteachers make real money. 8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -- I think I deserve a piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. As ever, Barbie Ken's Letter to Santa: Dear Santa: It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical corrections and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about my sexuality and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That [expletive] has everything. By no means do the Raggedys (Ann and Andy), Joe, or myself have dreamhouses, Corvettes, dune buggies, or evening gowns. Some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement, but never upstage, Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest. I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues that could be considered are: "GO-GO Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by others and myself. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about GI Joe. He's mine -- at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken

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