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Jackass
Rating:
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
In case your frustrated level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day just to take it out on someone.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person answered I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up. Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?" I made up a name, "Hi. This is sales office of the Telephone Company and I was wondering if you were familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I'm taking the time telling you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212. (Keep reading it gets better.) One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!" The guy got out of his camero completely ignoring me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have him on speed dial.) Then I noticed the number of the guy with the black camero and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black camero for sale?" "Yes." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front." I asked, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen" "When is a good time to catch you Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Sure" "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don's number to the speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call when I had a bad day. However, this wasn't as fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No!" He said, "What's your name pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the camero is parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jackass!" And I hung up. Then I called jackass #2. He answered, "Hello?" I said, "Hello jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and I was going to kill my gay lover and soon as I get home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to West 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter. I also taped it off the evening news!
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