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How to make money in the Stock Market made easy!
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Hello. I am JJ, D expert man. The following is a free service to those who are losing money in the stock market. For those who've made any money at all, you may be too advanced for this. This is just a small portion of what is to be learned of the Market, and should not be considered a stand-alone rescource. Oh, and please note that I have consulted 3 experts on the stock market, who I will aknowledge by their initials, INB, TMO, and SME. If you doubt my information, just read about this!:
INB is the head of a small buiness that he started 4 weeks ago, after making several thousand off the stock market. So far, his company has made $702.4796038!
TMO is an interviewer of analysts, and her reports have resulted in major economic events, such as the fuzzy wool sweater boom, and the rise of lamp shades.
SME IS an analyst! ...um... Once he drove a Go-Cart. It crashed. He blamed elves.
So, let's get started!
The key to making money in the stock market is understanding generalities of how it works. Basically, you give a company assets,* and these assets are used to get nicer stuff so the company can make more money. Then they thank you by giving you more assets. then you can take out assets and be richer.
*"assets" is a term companies use to make it sound less like, 'the money you gave us and, probably, will never see again.'
Now let's roll up our sleeves and really get into it. Follow me a little, and you should be able to make money in no time!
Money is invested into the company, where they in turn invest it in themselves, at wich point your money becomes an I.O.U. But that changes on the success of the company, wich is judged by stock market analysts, and is in no way proportional to the overall financial status of the company. The analists' moods are directly proportional to the success of the stock market.
Analysts are asked questions like, "What do you think the new income tax rates will do to the financial market?" To this the analyst replies with an answer equivalent to, "I've never tried goat cheese," causing the goat dairy market a surge, and giving the entire dairy industry a boost from something called a 'halo effect.' This is caused by goat farmers talking to their other friends they met through the industry. Goat farmers tend to have a strong accent, so when they greet a person with hello, it comes out as "Haaaylow!" This make the other industries think the farmer is blessing them or something. When an analyst says a business has been blessed by a business that is ahead in the Stock Market, they say that the company is set to go up, a because whatever an analyst says goes, it goes up, thus proving the skills of the analyst to predict changes in the market.
One rule of thumb is, "You're stock is only worth as much as someone else thinks it is." This results in an indefinite search to find out who that person is. Rumors currently in use of the person's identity are the president, aliens, bigfoot, night lights, spiders, enclosed spaces, flying, and sharp objects. One expert said:
"The president, aliens, spiders, and bigfoot can move. Flying can vary in altitude. Enclosed spaces can vary in size. But I very much doubt that it could be sharp objects or night lights." -one expert
However, there have been many compelling arguments on the size of the object, or the design of the light.
And there you have it. Now to put this information to use. We'll use an example market, and ask questions. Answers are at the bottom, along with the reason for the answer.
Companies in market:
Padlock Dairy
Cocain-Cola
Taxidermist Baby Food
MacroHard
1. a report says that an analyst thinks MacroHard will grow, who do you invest in and/or stay away from?
2. an analyst's name has two letter C's in it, and he says fires kill people, who do you invest in and/or stay away from?
3. an analyst says "I'll tell my daddy and my daddy is the proncipal and you'll get fired," and is wearing a tie striped red and blue, who do you invest in and/or stay away from?
4. noone can figure out how to pronounce Horaldinoracovichskovazenheimer, the name of an analyst. When asked how, he says something that generally sounds like "AMAGANAGIVAYADACANTATHRA, ANDAMGANAGIVAYASAMAMASHATGANANKALYA," and he pulls out a large gun and goes on a rampage, who do you invest in and/or stay away from?
5. an analyst says "Forests are pretty," who do you invest in and/or stay away from?
6. a sane man has just realized the sham of the stock market and screams "IS THERE NO GOD?! WHAT KIND OF DEMON COULD STEAL MONEY FROM THE INNOCENT TAXPAYERS LIKE THIS?!" and kills himself, who do you invest in and/or stay away from?
Note that if you answer the last question perfectly, you get a bonus point.
Now check your answers below, and rate them as such:
7 -- You're a garunteed Stock Market winner!
6 -- You'll make a fair amount of money on the stock market.
5 -- You will make money, but to live well, you might need a minimum-wage job.
4 -- You will make money, but to live above the poverty line, you might need a medium-wage job.
3 -- You will make money, but not enough to supprt you.
2 -- Odds are you'll break even in the market.
1 -- You'll probably end up losing money.
0 -- Destined to become Stock Market analyst.
Thank you for reading this, and I will try to remember to add more great guides on 'How to made easy' later. So long!
ANSWERS:
1. Don't trust reports. he probably said something about how babies grow. Go for TBF or, maybe, PD.
2. C-C might not go up, but it can't go down whenever this analysts talks. Stay away from MH, as it is the only company shown that makes a flammable product.
3. He's just babbling. People will instead make guesses based on his clothing. MH's default background color is blue, and red is the most generously applied color on C-C's product. When C-C's product is spilled on MH's product, both are ruined. Therefore, stay away from both of them while everyone else is in the dust wondering why investing in these two didn't work.
4. Trick question. He was probably a homocidal psychopath, as they are often confused with analysts.
5. MH's product is flammable, stay away. Same goes for any company with a name that involves animal mutalation, such as TBF.
6. If you said anything about investing/staying away from MH, score a point. Bonus point for following answer:
It dosen't matter, just be a good little demon >:-)
Submitted by JJ10DMAN@aol.com 30
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