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A Southern Christmas gets out-sourced
Rating: PG-13
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
Subject: A Southern Christmas gets out-sourced
Subject: Preparation for Christmas
To: All Parents
cc: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Re: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and Montana. As part of
the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies
so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in
good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a
few differences between us. Such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is
a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to
Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My
Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba
Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus,
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves
Local #209
Submitted by 20
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