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Rules for Alien Encounters
Rating:
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
1.. Never follow the slime trail.
2.. Never believe the words "we come in peace" or "we mean you no harm".
3.. If it has 4 legs don’t try to outrun it.
4.. If it has 4 arms don’t try to outrun it.
5.. Never fire at an ET with a handgun, shotgun, or hunting rifle. Chances are the UFO has more power. High yield explosives or large caliber automatic weapons are much more effective.
6.. If the power mysteriously goes out, do not investigate the cause.
7.. If your flashlight mysteriously goes out, do not stand and pat it to try and bring it back to life.
8.. If the ET is known to change shape, trust no one, especially friends or loved ones who seem to act unusual.
9.. If the ET is known to change shape, kill all your friends and loved ones. It saves you from doing it later.
10.. Never try to breed and/or control a known lethal alien.
11.. If an alien offers you a deal, take it. Odds for survival are better that way.
12.. Never double-cross an alien who has offered you a deal. Odds for survival are worse that way.
13.. If you lose your weapon, do not attempt to wrestle the ET to the ground.
14.. Never go back for a captured comrade. Cut your losses, thank your good fortune and run.
15.. Never try to outrun a pursuing alien while carrying a wounded comrade (see rule 14).
16.. If you have a key that is absolutely required, have it well secured to your body.
17.. If a complete stranger says Trust Me...don’t.
18.. Always remember the location of your evacuation site or rescue base.
19.. Never investigate a seemingly minor alien occurrence. Face it, you’re not Mulder or Scully.
20.. Never approach a "harmless baby alien".
21.. Never assume that humans are the most creative, sneaky, or powerful creatures in the universe.
22.. Never follow an alien into its lair.
23.. Never ever assume an alien is dead simply because its eyes are closed and it is not moving or breathing.
24.. Never ever poke or prod an alien that seems dead because its eyes are closed and it is not moving or breathing, as death usually occurs shortly thereafter.
25.. Cute aliens are not necessarily safe aliens.
26.. If an alien ship flies away, do not assume it is leaving for home.
27.. If faced with a case involving alien-like killings, get off the case.
28.. If faced with a UFO, do not try to learn more about it. Just blow it up.
29.. When faced with an encounter, tell alien believers instead of the police, they are more likely to believe you and will know what to do.
30.. If possible try to kill all aliens no matter how young or old looking. If they are anything like humans, a sibling or offspring will try to get revenge later.
31.. Never try to befriend an alien.
32.. Never be near someone who has been in physical contact with an alien and lived, chances are they will change into one at the worst possible time later.
33.. Never attempt to take on the alien leader alone.
34.. Never enter a room with no other means of exiting and then try to hide from an alien.
35.. Never assume that human technology will restrain an alien creature.
36.. If an alien seems friendly, shoot it anyway.
37.. If you know aliens have landed and the person you love suddenly wants you badly, shoot them.
38.. If your dog suddenly goes apeshit, get the hell out of the house, fast.
39.. If your family is held captive, forget about them. You can marry again and have more children later.
40.. When in a hallway with vents above your head, do not stop and try to hear noises, just get out of the corridor.
41.. Never stand too close to an alien when you blow him up, its insides are a pain to get out even with spray n’ wash.
42.. Let immigration know (oops, wrong kind of alien!)
43.. Never let a man in black "flashy-thing" you after you have been in contact with an alien.
44.. If you see an alien, never scream, you’ll just get its attention.
45.. If cows are missing or circles appear in your field, do not investigate the cause at night.
46.. Never leave large parts of an alien intact, it can come alive and kill you.
47.. Do not gloat over an almost dead alien, learn from movies and TV shows where the villain tells his scheme before he dies.
48.. If a creature is known to change shape, kill all your pets... including fish (see rule 9).
49.. Do not waste ammo on one alien when you know there is more aliens around.
50.. Make sure you carry extra ammo so you do not run out at the last minute.
51.. Make sure to keep your ammo well secured to your body. Think of it as a required key that is your only means to escape.
52.. Do not boldly go where no man has gone before, whether it is outer space, a deserted tunnel, space ship...
53.. If something or someone seems too good to be true, it probably is.
54.. If the ET looks to be a lot tougher than you, run.
55.. If the ET has a bigger and better weapon, run.
56.. Do not try and go against more than one alien at a time.
57.. Never go against an alien on its turf.
58.. Never assume an alien is stupid.
59.. Never turn your back on an alien, dead or alive.
60.. Never say "who’s out there?" and expect a vocal response. Expect a physical response instead.
61.. If abducted by aliens, make it easy on yourself. Kill yourself before getting poked and prodded.
62.. When telling your abduction story, always take money from the highest bidder, no matter what magazine they are from.
63.. If you are abducted by aliens and fear killing yourself, be friendly with the aliens so they will not impregnate you.
64.. If the light does not come on, do not enter the room.
65.. If there is a screaming, uncontrollable person in your party, leave them behind. They will just tip off the alien later.
66.. Always unload your weapon into the alien.
67.. After shooting the alien, do not drop your weapon because you assume the alien is dead.
68.. If you have extra ammo, reload your weapon and empty it into the alien.
69.. If an alien lunges at you, do not just stand there.
70.. Never join an alien fighting group.
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