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A
Rating: PG-13
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
You never saw the real me, you saw someone else hiding. Deep down inside I have/had this fear, the fear of not knowing what to do next. I have a razor or two, even a knife, I put those razors up to my wrist on some nights. The knife I keep in a drawer just in case soon I give up. My time, I know is coming soon, every day I say not today. I will wait for tomorrow, but I cant. Not now. One way out of this life is with a knife or a sharp razor. I bleed I cry but know one knows. Every night I cry till my eyes are small, week, and red. I cry till I can’t open them no more. Then I sleep, hoping I will never wake up and I will be dead. It isn’t any ones fault but my own. I love my life, my friends, and my family. But there are times where I can’t go on… cant survive any more. I don’t know the exact reason why I feel the way I do, maybe it is my destiny maybe its how I want to live. I wear bracelets and long sleeves to hide these scares, some people know and some one once made fun of me, and my problem. Who knows why I want to put this life or shall I say my life to an end? Maybe a because of a broken heart, maybe because of grades or that super popular gorgeous girl that everyone seems to adore. Why cant I be pretty, why cant I be her? I hear this all the time… you are such a loving person so pretty and nice, but all that seems to be lies. My mom knows that I cut myself and I have a knife in my room, she asked me if I thought my life was that bad and why I would want to harm myself? That night I wanted to die… I was humiliated, disappointed in myself not understanding everything in my life. For 3 days I was one the ultimate verge of killing myself… I went to school saying I was going to, saying that I wanted to die, but know one believed me. Not one soul, and to think if I didn’t show up the next day they wouldn’t of known, its weird to think when you seem to tell some1 that you are basically suicidal and they act as if you were joking even though you aren’t. And now once again I feel that way and it has only been a week. I would’ve been dead… I swear if it wasn’t for winter formal coming up, and if it was December. Every time I am close to do something like that, I think about one of my dear best friends and my grandma and grandpa and my mom and dad and of course my little sis that I love too much to tell her I do. And what I do is think, think of their faces when they hear the news. Especially Krissy’s she is my one and only true friend. I think about the boys I adore and the girls that I care for as if they were my sisters. And maybe my life isn’t as bad, but I think it is and hold that knife to myself again. Why am I like this? I ask myself. Today right now I am once again depressed but writing this has helped… tomorrow will be like the first couple days of last week when everyone had asked what was wrong, and I will say nothing. But that is my outside speaking for my inside is cutting me like a sharp razor on my wrist and I am crying telling you to help me but cannot tell b/c I am being me my usually self. Happy cheery just like the little 14 year old girl I am. The cheerleader the crowd pleaser the party animal, but that act is like my make-up a cover up to hide the real black blood running person I am in the inside.
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