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HOW TO WRITE A PAPER...
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1.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty
of freshly sharpened pencils.
2.Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3.Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4.Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can
both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If
your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of
those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5.When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in
a clean, well lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6.Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
it.
7.You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you
can concentrate.
8.Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9.Listen to one side of your favorite cd and that's it, I mean it, as soon
as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10.Listen to the other side.
11.Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12.Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing
yet. Exchange derogatory
remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at
large.
13.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened
pencils.
14.Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
savor its special flavor.
15.Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12
hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon,
is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) movie
starring Don Ameche.
16.Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17.Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
the finer points of the plot.
18.Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
18.5. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
everyone is.
19.Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
20.Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated
strangers lurking in the hall.
21.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
22.Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
23.Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
24.Lie face down on the floor and moan.
25.Leap up and write the paper.
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