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Squid Nightly News: Election 2000 in one lesson
Rating: PG-13
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
LOCAL ELECTIONS
SNN, unfortunately, as an Irvine based service, is unable to offer help in local elections. But we can help! There are many different ways to decide which candidate to vote for, including the following:
-Who has the most campaign signs up
-Who has the most creative campaign signs, including whether they have made interesting puns on their names
-Who can afford the most ads (if they can get enough money for that much airtime, they've got to be good!)
-Whether they have an interesting last name. For example, someone in SNN's hometown of Irvine, California has the last name Dragun. Now wouldn't it be cool to have a city councilperson named Dragun? Admit it!
-Whether someone has a catchy motto, like "Put Education First, Economics Second, Environment Third, Family Values Fourth, Either Welfare or Maybe Race Relations Fifth, The One That Wasn't Fifth Sixth, and Maybe Something Nice Like Employment Seventh".
-Someone who really cares about your hometown. One good way to tell that someone cares about your hometown is if it's their last name. Last election we had someone named Don Irvine running for Irvine Water District or something. He could hardly help making the town better..think about it. If he did a bad job, you can just imagine him going up to people and they say "You're named after that DUMP?". This is what the libertarians call enlightened self-interest, and what everyone else calls a conflict of interest.
STATE ELECTIONS
State elections are best decided by Issues. Thus, SNN will give you a rundown of all the issues.
ABORTION: This controversial issue is a fight between those who wish to kill their own babies and those who wish to give the government complete control over their bodies.
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION: This battle is about whether the majority of people should be discriminated against based on the color of their skin, or whether the playing field should be titled so no minorities can get ahead.
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Supporters of this issue, also called the death penalty, want to brutally murder innocent people without due process of law, while its opponents are hoping to put violent criminals back on the streets a few days after they're convicted with only a slap on the wrist.
SCHOOL VOUCHERS: This popular issue deals with whether the government should abandon all standards on schooling and allow your tax dollars to go to serial murderers teaching Satanism, or whether all choice on the future of their children should be taken away from parents and given to a complex bureaucracy.
There are, of course, other issues, but we know you'll probably just vote by your party affiliation anyway, you idiot.
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS
Despite statistics that show that the President has no more influence on your life than the average city councilperson, the Presidential election is MUCH, MUCH, more important, as measured in total quantity of dollars spent. Thus, SNN is proud to give you biographies of both candidates:
Albert Gore, Jr.
Mr. Gore was born into a family that has leeched off public funds for most of its existence. His father was a panderer to the tobacco industry who furthered their interests for many long years in the Senate. He later went to a variety of different schools, all of which he apparently dropped out of except for one where he got bad grades, and joined the military as a reporter after being too cowardly to actually serve his country in a combat role. Mr. Gore then joined Congress purely on the basis of his family name, where he came much too late to sponsor any of the legislation he said he did. He also invented the Internet around this time. Gore then became Vice-President and had the job of defending the most unethical administration in history, which he did very completely, despite denying the whole thing.
George W. Bush
Mr. Bush was born to George and Barbara Bush. His father served as one of the most lackluster presidents of recent times, and was not re-elected. He later went to college, and got arrested for stealing and drunk driving (the latter incident he concealed and lied about as long as possible until it was released, at which time he tried to demonize the releaser.) There is also some reason to think he used cocaine, despite his claim of being extremely anti-drug. After leaving college, Bush led an oil company, which promptly went bankrupt (he nevertheless brags about his experience in this matter). Building on this success, he ran for the governorship of Texas, a state where the governor has almost no power, and won. His most significant achievements are presiding over terrible health care, an environmental crisis, and a shift in education from learning to testing, which was later spun as "The Texas Miracle".
Well, these are your choices. We were going to recommend one of them, but after studying them a little we decided against it. So you're on your own. Sorry, and happy Election Day!
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