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How to get people to let you play Quake on their computers for hours!
Rating: PG-13
Quality: (Quality: Unrated)
It's very handy to make people think you're a programmer. I know. I've done it, and even I even got one person to leave me alone with his brand new computer. I spent it playing Quake.
Making people think you're a programmer is easy, as long as you can lie well, and you're good at a process I like to call "Slamming out some beta." First the lying.
Make up random terms and abbreviations while you talk. Here are some good examples:
"...But every time I tried clicking install, it said there was no directory!"
"Ah, it seems your packet-addressing is set up to transfer in location-based boolian shifts. I can come over to your house some time and fix it, but I'll need to be alone in order to concentrate, and it might take several hours."
"That sounds great!"
Then you go over there, install it in two minutes because he was a doofus, and play Quake.
At some point, you may be asked to show off your programming skills. Most people who program, I've learned, do not ask others to do this. They see it every day. So you can probably hope to fool them with "HASIL" (HAH-sil). It's easy. Explain to your audience you will write a program that lets you play a breakout game. Then type something like this:
BigHappyPart(LotsOfCode)
{
INSERT SRC="LotsOfSemicolonsEvenIfYouDoNotUnderstandWhy";;;;;
DRAW "block": 10, 50;
DRAW "ball": circ: 10, 10;
DRAW "paddle": 10, 50;
ANIM ball; "bounce"; dir("range"); int range=rnd(30, 60); speed(20); line(NeverGoingToEnd); hit(paddle), "bounce"; bounce dir(setrange(edgeof(paddle(dirpro(ThisWillTeachYouToAskMeToProgram(true))))));
BALL(betterthanblock);
LASTLINE("Didn't make any sense")=TRUE
}
Paddle(EverMoreCode)
{
int(charitem) Boredom;
Boredom = "Extreme"
DISPLAY "The people still watching me code this are in " $INSERT Boredom " Boredom."
WHEN(user)=push(leftbutton)
PRINT "ERROR: USER HAS NO LEFT BUTTON. DO YOU WISH TO TRY,
1. LEFT EYE
2. LEFT ARM
3. LEFT LEG
4. LEFT NOSTRIL
5. LEFT EAR
6. LEFT IN THE DUST
7. LEFT FOR DEAD
8. LEFT, KEEP
9. BELLY BUTTON
0. CANCEL
PRESS 0-9 NOW.";
OnUserPush(anything)
PRINT "Sorry, I can't do that, but I won't explain why.";
END;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
By the time you're done with this coding, everyone will have either left or fallen unconsious from the boredom, thus solving your challenge problem.
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