1) this is just a message to myself if anything about my martin xxx
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you know what the very worst thing is ..when i want to ring your number and ask for martin or when i want to rush over to you and say "oh my god martin i got a A" ..or when i wake up in the mornings and i think..for a second that its not true that your alive and that ill get to school and you'll be sat there laid back as ever...or when i laugh or when i smile at something happy because all though for that second or two im happy dilerious..it comes back down to earth that your gone and then i stupidly feel guilty for even being happy, for smiling when your not around i know i honestly do that youd want me to be happy but its hard it really is. i think a good quote for it is "if you lived to be a 100 id want 2 live to be 100 minus 1 day, so that i didnt have to spend not one day without you in my life"...from the heart i kno..i remember our conversations we were never planning on gettin attached to each other, never planning on a serious relationship. but..in my mind i wanted all of that, but i spose..i kno we werent perfect we werent the match made in heaven we didnt have undying love for each other, but i guess its the wonder wondering what could have been..you dont know what youve got till its gone thats true, and thats scary and i dont like living with the fact of not knowing. not knowing wether you would have been my husband one day or wether youd just be just that'old school flame that i slightly remembered because of your goofy smile and your crooked eye brow. Thing is now you will never be "just that old school flame" because ill allways remember you becuase you were my first boyfriend, and after just 5 months of being together you were snatched from my life and ill allways remember how you were my boyfriend..my guy, and my baby when you died and thats 1 thing im glad of. the worlds a sad sad place when somebodys life is taken at just 16. We were worrying about gcses, what to wear to our leavers disco and silly things like would Man U win the match...you were just 16, just a normal lad, and they took you away from all of us. you werent perfect you werent the guy all the "popular people" wanted to know you werent best at football..or best at maths, but thats why i loved you and you were my perfect boyfriend the best boyfriend you could ever be. and the best friend to people that cared, the best son to your family..and brother to james. i love u darling and i will allways remember you ..p.s you are the best without fail sweetheart
all my love mandy -x-
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