1 A different type of suffering. Please take the time to read
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I don't cut myself, or physically hurt myself because that would be a watse of a good knife. I rot away from the inside so slowley and painfully, hacking my arm apart wouldn't make any difference. The people who want to be my friends, and say hi to me at school, don't really know what their doing, or getting themselves into. I don't want to be harsh but they can't be my friends, because none of them seem to notice that anythings wrong. One friend, just ONE person, seems to be able to look into my eyes and know somethings up. I don't even hang around with her that often. But theres been times when shes passed me on my way to class, and grabbed my arm and gone "There's something up isn't there?"
That person i cherish, even though they probably don't realise it. I spend everyday withsome people, and they never seem to notice.
I should be thankful for the people who care, but if one day i lashed out and hit them, screamed at them, hurt them..........wouldn't they just walk away? If you're friend smacked you round the face and called you shit, wouldn't you just turn around and go find someone else to hang around with? If you think you would still be there for that person, you need to think long and hard. I don't know anyone who would be able to tolerate something like that.
I won't kill myself, cos then I'll be just a statistic in the world. I don't want to be another number. That would be worse than staying in this world. And I dont want strangers sympathy. I don't want people seeing reports in the newspaper of my death and saying "poor kid." I don't want it.
This is my mind speaking. These are the things going round in my head at this moment in time.I love my family and my friends to death. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to cry like I'm doing right now.
Some days I feel like crying, somtimes I'm too drained to do anything. Today i laid in my room and stared into space for ages. I don't know what I was doing. I don't even know whether i was thinking. I was in a daze, and I couldn't control it.
People deserve to live, YOU deserve to live. If you're still reading this after all the c-r-a-p I've said I'd be suprised. But I thank you for listening. You've done something that nobody else has done.
I think I'm the rotten apple in the fruit basket. I want everything to go wrong. I want to be hated. The amount of times I've woken up, gone to school and destroyed everything i have, just to go home, cry and start all over again is unbelievable. God created me by mistake. I am something that isn't really needed in the world. Amazingly enough people are always going on about how hyper and wild i am. But when i go home and I'm alone, I turn into something that nobody deserves to know.
I want to help everyone, I love to help people, but i want to destroy myself at the same time.
If you have a problem, you can email me or add me to msn at: stephtheoneandonlyhotmail.com As fcked as I am, I can help other people. I can't help myself though. If one day I do something very wrong, very bad, I'm now apologizing in advance. I'm apologizing to my family, my friends, and to you.
I can give some advise to you right now. When you see you're friends next, look deep into their eyes and make sure nothings wrong. If you can gaze at someones face and recognise the pain someone is going through, then you have something most people in this world are too blind to see.
You can save someone, you can be their saviour.
But nobody can help me.
I'm gona stick around, I'm gonna be something big. And I'm going to punish everyone whos hurt me.
And one other thing for you to think about (if you're still here listening). I'm only 13 years old.
Submitted by stephtheoneandonly@hotmail.com 57
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